WHAT IF????

How many times have we said this to ourselves, WHAT IF THIS OR WHAT IF THAT!!!! It's such a waste of time just thinking about it. The unfortunate part of this little scenario is that all we have on our hands is all kinds of time. Boy do I sound depressing, I don't mean to sound like a drag though.

I am a half decent guy, so my wife and kids say. My problem is that when I want to have a draw or a drink I turn into a real ass... WHAT IF???? I'm not a violent guy by any means, I just love to have a good time. The unfortunate part is I ignore my family when I do this. If people ask me if I drink I tell them that I have an allergy to alcohol. When I drink, I break out... This could be for a few hours, days, or weeks. My last allergic reaction to alcohol and drugs cost me $5000 and 5 months in jail. What a kick in the pants that was. It not only cost me financially and emotionally but the trust & love of my wife & kids as well. WHAT IF???

How many of us who are institutionalized can at least say that alcohol or drugs had something to do with why we here. I'd venture a guess to say at least half if not more of us can say this. It sobers you up pretty quickly, doesn't it? WHAT IF??? The weird thing for me is that I, nor anyone else I know, would even think to put a loaded gun to our heads because death would come instantaneously. Forget about the statistics. In my case, drugs and alcohol have made me realize it has been a slow and painful death emotionally. WHAT IF???

The strange thing for me is that I still crave the drugs and alcohol after all the crap I've put my family through. I'm 34 years old. I have a wife and kids, 17,13,&9 & drugs & alcohol have been a part of my life for almost 20 years. My wife is a saint. WHAT IF???

Hopefully in another month l'll be able to be released in the monitor. I miss my wife and kids dearly, especially, at night when I can't kiss and hug them good-night. Somehow a phone call just doesn't cut it. It reminds me of something I usually say, “I'm not a stupid person I just seem to do stupid things....”. It also reminds me of another phrase,” We can quote a hundred motoes, give good and wise advice. We can find a dozen reasons, offer arguments precise; but when it comes to action, and things are getting hot we can cut out all the talking, for example beats the lot.”

ROBERT C.
S.C.I. 09,02,99.